For I, who once believed in faithfulness and loyalty had experienced to lose all of these beliefs. But believe me or not, when I started loving myself again, believing that I deserve same amount of love I am willing to give (if not more), I met someone I thought would never exist.
BY HELGA*, 29
This one word never went easy for me. I spent my adolescence wondering why I could not date anyone I liked just like my peers did.
Maybe because “I am ugly” and “I do not deserve love”? These were the most common scenarios popped in my head.
From there on, I learnt how to give (love) without taking any. I remembered how I usually told my friends that loving actually made me feel good and how I used to believe that giving without demanding any in return was a higher form of love. I just did not know that this mindset would send me to the rock bottom too many times before I realised it.
Only in my third year in the university that I finally dated someone. He was already with someone else when I knew him, hence my decision not to take it any further. However, in the next couple of months, he had successfully convinced me that he was done with that girl. I might be naïve or even stupid, and I chose to trust him. I believe I’m not alone in this situation; girl meets boy, boy was with a girl but promises that he’ll leave her and has left her; girl softens because she’s smitten. Why do we females never learn?
Less than a month, I realised that he was a two-timer. With her in Jakarta and with me in Yogyakarta. Although it was a brutal fact, I somehow still have managed to forgive and still, take him back. This was a recurrence thing since then; involving different persons of course. I left him after 3 years of our ill-fated story when he said that he could not see me moving forward to pursue my career.
Few months later, I met someone new. A young professional with stable income. As I moved forward with my life, I started wanting more from the ideal figure of my future boyfriend. Although he was not my type, I started dating him just after a few meetings. Was there any background story? Of course! (I just could not attract someone without).
He was still longing for his ex-girlfriend who cheated on him with her boss. (Reminds us of Juicy Lucy’s song, Tanpa Tergesa -Ed)
I did not think too much about this as I was quite confident and determined that someone closer would eventually win his heart (In truth, I learned later that this isn’t true confidence, but simply mere wishful thinking). For about half a year, everything went smooth for us which led me to think that this was a real mature relationship.
It was almost new year when I discovered he lied to me about his whereabouts in the past few days. Instead of spending time with old friends in his hometown, he spent days and nights with his ex. It was right before he went for new year holiday with me. What a gentleman! I sarcastically curse.
And again, I managed to forgive him and overlook his wrongdoing. After that, he just played the same song over and over. The only difference was, he moved on from his ex to sexual workers. He lied thousands of times in my face even when I found condoms (I’m not cornering, I’m only stating the facts. I know they’re not ours because I had our stock in my place), love potions, erection spray, and stuff like these in his bag. All of these made me wanted to even my score with him without him knowing. It brought me to the darkest stage of my life.
I who once believed in faithfulness and loyalty had lost them all.
I had no respect to love and others’ feelings anymore. I’ve vented my frustrations through one-night-stands here and there, be it with someone single or not.
Surprisingly, doing all these did not make me feel better about myself, let alone our relationship. When eventually he left me for a silly excuse, he made me believe that I was always the one to blame. He even called me a gold digger - how dare he - when he was the one who forced me to take his money after breaking up.
I was exhausted physically and mentally after 6 years of unhealthy relationships. I could not even hang around guys for months; I felt uncomfortable. I kept my circle limited and spent most of my time in my room. Normally, I’m a social butterfly, but at that time socializing did not appeal to me that much. I’m sure my colleagues and friends would’ve noticed my change in behavior.
I moved to England to continue my studies. There, I was able to start opening up again. I was able to meet someone again and dated him!
He was someone who went beyond my wildest expectations; smart, charming, rich and most importantly HOT! It was eye opening for me to experience how someone like him could treat me so well and full of respect.
He taught me to love my imperfect self again.
He also taught me about the importance of personal space in a relationship.
He showed me how a relationship should be: equal and respectful.
With him I knew that my old thought was wrong all along. Giving without receiving will only exhaust you, drain you to the bone. Unfortunately, we did not work out. We manage to remain good friends though.
And believe me or not, when I started loving myself again, believing that I deserve same amount of love I am willing to give (if not more), I met someone I thought would never exist.
For many years, people have been telling me for I love too much that no one has enough vessel to contain my love. Of course, someone like that do exist, only if we want to open our eyes and keep looking instead of settling for whatever (or whoever in this case) convenient in front of us. This guy proves me that he can love me more than I love him. Only with him I can be my true self and honestly say whatever I have in my mind. I can tell him anything without worrying that he will be mad or even leave me. He shows me that we can be a partner and best friend to each other.
Had gone through nightmares for years, I will not want anyone undertake the same path as me. Learn from my story, be courageous, be better! To acknowledge your #SelfWorth and to #SelfLove is very important.
-Ms. Better Me, 2019-