• P#T

Like cancer, our relationship became about keeping scores of each other’s mistakes

Updated: Apr 15

When I ignored my friend's honesty; when I had close-to-real nightmares dreamt every night; when my ex-boyfriend tells me "to be normal" - this has been the most intense relationship rollercoaster ride I've ever queued for.

BY FIFI*, 27

Confused with someone you love but at the same time hurts you and still makes you happy?

Admit it, girls, our mission in life and ending goal is finding the right person from all potential sources out there, if you know what I mean despite us being so stubborn or in denial that love could exist. And also, parents expectations to a daughter by all means. It does become 'a silent mission', said across prayers, in our hearts, in our dreams, in our minds.

A classic saying is that without trying you will never know, so juggling from some of the fishes I met, I finally sealed the deal with this guy who later on became my roller coaster ride for one and a half year.

He was guy who was the perfect deal for Asian parents with an honors degree and studied abroad all his life furthermore a good career, wow that must be a hidden gem.

Wouldn't I be consider myself to be 'lucky', coming out of an online dating app?

Before the relationship happened, everything looks promising from texting with the right flow and timing - my friend once said the chase is usually how the relationship will look like - in reality, absolutely not.

That ideology became the mindset of the relationship. The beginning of the relationship was us trying to learning each other’s character. Enter the moment that gave me my very first disappointment: it was perhaps either his character - or being actually disrespectful to treat other women like his girlfriend - by sharing the same cup even though it was just a girl he knew as a friend.

I forgave him knowing that people deserve a second chance and that lead me to a deeper hole of mistreatment. Thinking back, wow, that foretelling came early. (What would you've done, readers?)

He was guy who was the perfect deal for Asian parents with an honors degree and studied abroad all his life furthermore a good career, wow that must be a hidden gem. Wouldn't I be consider myself to be 'lucky', coming out of an online dating app?

Fast forward to half a year later.

Many bad communications later, we mutually agreed on calling each other more often, but that didn’t stop him from treating his friends whom are females, 'extra special' in front of me and telling stories about them as if he was a big fan, unabashedly ravishing about them to me.

Consequently, we got into this hole once again. I confronted and he promised to not do it again.

I guess, was in denial by giving him another chance of tolerating his attitude and being satisfied with the idea that having better communication would help our efforts in keeping this relationship.

But when I started to question myself about him, was when my anxiety attacks began to kick in.

On my personal growth, I just had quit working from my family's company after a many months of stressful events. I had to make the call and that it was time to move on and venture out to chase my own passion. Wanting freedom wasn’t easy with all the guilt trip being built in the process. But we've all been there. Well naturally, I was applying to all sorts of company at the same time started a little baking business.

My then-boyfriend was a great support system. He comforted me in my troubled times. However, my next greatest discouragement came from him as well when I asked for help to take a look at my resume.

As a beginner in writing a résumé, my boyfriend had difficulty in understanding of why I had this little issue that I couldn't write a résumé properly. He told me in a painful way that I should step up my professionalism skills by comparing my writing style to one of his - yes, again - female colleague met at the event.

That triggered my anxiety attack to a higher level of possibility that my boyfriend is having an affair.

Love is blind. Blind enough destroy my own mental health by not knowing my limit. But I persisted.

Before our Christmas holiday to Melbourne, I was so excited but it was all completely crushed once again by his actions of taking pictures of a girl at the event that we attended - as he said it was a proof of his attendance.

This time, I was stunned. I chose to be quiet after his actions have bruised me; he took my behaviour like I was giving him the silent treatment. Furthermore, I was taken aback when he yelled at me at the restaurant the event was held at, coercing me to apologize for the silent treatment.

Another half a year went on with him constantly blaming me if I reminded him of the small mistakes he did. It was simply me trying to remind him of his one promise of better communication - why, is that wrong? Don't we all need a decent amount of communication - isn't a relationship about communication to another soul?

Like cancer, our relationship became about keeping scores of each other’s mistakes and it was clearly a toxic relationship with emotional abuse.

To tell you the truth, I must confess that this might be the main reason why I wanted to continue to hold on to this relationship: I hoped that he would change and be committed with marriage. Conversely, he felt pressured every time I brought the topic up and gave reasons that he isn't financially ready. But I denied the fact that if you love that person no matter how rich or poor financially you are, there is always a way to figure things out together.

Yes, blame me for being a romanticist.

Little did I know that my surprise guest, the anxiety attacks got worse.

I felt terribly numb and pushed my family, my best friends whom I usually confide into easily ; basically everyone. I still wanted to believe the relationship would work out.

Then I fell into darkness. I was more paranoid then ever by not allowing my boyfriend to meet his friends that are females - admitting to myself that I have trust issues because of his past mistakes.

That moment, I knew I needed professional help to face my everyday with extreme mood swings. I tried rescuing myself by taking some mood pills to cope with my depression and my neck pain because of this - not even my parents know I consume these pills.

My life was completely shattered when the only hope I considered from this very person continued to dimmed me into further depression every time I shared about the anxieties I'm facing. Furthermore, he blamed me for this fact that because I was unemployed or wasn't hanging out with my friends enough.

In my mind, I secretly did hoped that he could pick up my nuances and feel that I've been emotionally paralyzed.

I was devastated that he labelled me as a person who was 'not normal' - in his words, "Can you please be a normal girlfriend?" - and also clingy, although we only met 3 times a week. Having those words being said, I know he too, felt insecure with his freelance career by not accomplishing anything solid at the age of 29 and wants to still have his freedom.

Ending things by being friends was not an option. I finally called it quits as probation period is not a valid word for someone you truly love –it is time to protect my own heart and soul.

I'm thankful that I know I was still in my mind to seek help by reconnecting with my best friends. They've noticed I was changing for the worse since the relationship early on; and accepted the fact that both of us made a mistake in this relationship. It does take two to tango, and I've allowed him to mistreat me continuously because I stayed.

Listen to your friends and the ones that has been telling you the brutal truth - they might've saved you from a rollercoaster disaster.

The most difficult part was to accept my part of the mistake that I've abused myself in many ways through the romanticism of it all - but thankfully, I've been able to made peace with myself, also with the help of P#T's founder who happens to be one of my closest friends.

This story is part of the #PTTMerdeka18 Stories Series.

Every August P#T will celebrate our Independence month by inviting you to submit your Self-Liberated Stories Of The Year to us to help empower the rest, in English or Bahasa Indonesia. We're announcing our self-independence along with our national spirit. Merdeka!

This has been an original story submitted by a girl who reached out to us to get help and inspired us to begin the P#T initiative. She was able to complete our 5-step P#T process within 3 months. She is aged 27 at the time of writing.

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